It Doesn't Hurt to Ask- Does it?
It's important to put that old saying "It doesn't hurt to ask" in context.
I recently spent two hours talking to a deeply saddened friend whose sister had, once again, asked for financial help. My friend can provide this help, but her sister has been sloppy about maintaining a personal relationship, and this request was another tear in their family fabric. She felt that it was inappropriate for her sister to ask for money because her sister had not kept in touch, had not shared details of her shaky marriage, and most importantly, had not nurtured a close personal relationship. There was a mismatch between the depth of the relationship and the request.
I saw the inverse of this as the Development Chair for a small nonprofit. We recently held our spring fundraiser, and each board member was asked to reach out to their friends and families via email or social media and request a small donation for the nonprofit. The staff had content created and even offered training sessions to help our board work through any technical issues. Only half of the board took part in the fundraiser.
When I polled them, I learned that there was concern about the nonprofit's mission. What I now recognize is that some members simply weren't willing to risk damage to personal relationships by asking for donations. They knew what my friend's sister did not, that "asks" based on personal relationships act as a withdrawal of the relationship's goodwill. We do this all the time; it's fine to ask a neighbor to feed our cat because we have watered their plants, but asking to borrow the car for the week in exchange for watering their plants is inappropriate. The board members did not participate in the fundraiser because they were not prepared to withdraw some of the goodwill they had built up with friends by asking their support for our nonprofit.
Professional relationships are different, because "asks" in a working relationship are transactional and depend on things like competence, skills, connections and ambition. In fact, the "ask" creates the working relationship. Asking for a job puts you in the position of an employee and the job grantor as the employer. In fact, the relationship wouldn't exist without the ask.
I was recently chatting with an experienced woman executive, and she shared her aha moment, the time when she realized that the "ask" made at work was a business transaction. After her first major promotion, she found out she was making less than the men she managed. A lot less. At her review, she asked for a raise and was told to be patient, so she was, for about six months. She assumed because she had a good relationship with her boss, he would fight to get her a raise, but after waiting half a year, he offered her a 5% increase, leaving her salary far below her male subordinates.
Instead of being mad, or disappointed she shifted her thinking. Her reliance on her good professional relationship with her boss had been a mistake; this request was a business exchange. She collected more salary data, she talked to her mentors, and received a job offer from a competitor. She requested another meeting, and this time she laid it all out, "You want me to manage this department, give me more money, lots more or I'm leaving and accepting this alternative job offer." Once she framed her request in transactional terms, she got what she wanted- a big bump in pay.
Personal relationships develop over time and thrive when "asks" are made in balance. "I'll water your plants; you feed my cat." In contrast, professional relationships start at the first ask and all future requests should be accompanied by clear value propositions. Expecting personal relationships to have currency at work is misplaced. At work, "It doesn't hurt to ask" as long as you have done your homework.