The Power Of Pronouns

Let me tell you a story about a young, ambitious man; I'll call him Adam.

 Adam is 30 and has worked for a well-known tech company for a couple of years as an individual contributor. However, Adam's peers are moving into the first level of people management without him.

 Adam believes he's stuck because:

• His boss is busy and doesn't take time to mentor him.

• His India-based team has missed deadlines.

• Peers and colleagues continually ask Adam to do the work they should be doing.

Despite these obstacles, Adam believes he would get a promotion if "they" would change:

• If Adam's boss would do his job by providing advice and mentoring him

• If the India-based team would do their jobs and meet project deadlines

• If people would read Adam's emails and do the work themselves

We have all been Adam. Our lives would be so much easier if others would change. But others don't change--especially for us. After all, we can hardly influence ourselves to make changes.

During our first coaching session, I asked Adam if he was ready to accept a big challenge. 

 "You missed your deadline because the folks in India failed to meet their deadlines, right?" I asked Adam.

 "Yes, they kept pushing things back. But, it's not my fault the project was delayed." Adam confirmed.

 I challenged Adam to rephrase the situation. Instead of using third-person pronouns, they, them, etc., he should use first-person pronouns.

 Adam seemed confused. He was convinced that he hadn't messed up. The team in India had messed up. It was their fault. 

 I asked Adam to describe the situation again, starting with "I". At this point, Adam couldn't even begin to communicate the problem.

 Next, I offered him an example: "I didn't know how to work with the team effectively." 

 This was a massive shift in thinking for Adam. It's more comfortable blaming "them" for our problems.