Losing Belonging, Dignity, and Safety- Universal Fears
This is my second post exploring how we react to universal fears. Fears force a false supporting narrative. Don't let your fears hijack you.
The need to belong, be respected, and feel safe is found in cultures worldwide. So we are on alert, looking to secure our place in the group, seeking confirmation we're respected, and protecting ourselves from the erosion of our safety.
It only takes a little to misread an inconsequential event as a threat. I often share my personal story with clients to highlight how quickly small events, fueled by fear can result in powerful, crippling stories:
I am a recreational tennis player, and on my best day, I am adequate. Despite many lessons, hours of practice, and gameplay, I continue to make fundamental mistakes:
I Don't look at the ball
I step away from the ball
I never split step
Yet, I love tennis and have patient, thoughtful friends to play with. But, if I learn that my friends played without me, I automatically fear that I have been ejected from the group. Once the fear of rejection is triggered, I create a story to validate the truth of my fear. Yes, I have been rejected, and my fear demands proof!
Of course, I don't belong. I keep making stupid mistakes; who would want to play with me? I missed a bunch of net balls last time, I double faulted twice, and I fell apart in the tie-breaker.
My story justifies my fear. Clearly my skills are inadequate, and I don't belong.My tennis friends had abandoned me.
My fear generates a powerful and convincing narrative that, left unchecked, will pull me away from the group and the very belonging I seek. Why should I subject myself to further insult? They clearly don't want to play with me? I'll protect myself and quit tennis.
The consequence of letting fear-based stories grow unchecked are much greater in the workplace. Fear and the following narratives can derail professional advancement, leadership success, and influence.
What story do you tell yourself when:
You don't get invited to join a meeting.
I don't belong in the group, and from now on, I'll focus on my work and let the rest of them handle things.
You may stop offering contributions, you may elect to eat at your desk, or you may walk past the break room instead of joining in. Finally, you withdraw and avoid people because you know they don't like you.
Your suggestions are worthy of notice.
No one cares about my point of view; I always get talked over. My co-workers really don't want to hear my ideas.
No one listens to you anyway, so why bother preparing for meetings. You dismiss your teammates' comments as uninformed or dull, so stop listening to them. You stop offering to help your colleagues.
Your department is being reorganized.
Changing departments is terrifying; you are confident this will be a huge setback.
You can't concentrate at work; you gossip with co-workers, speculating how things will unfold. Then, when you do focus, you spend your time networking and miss project due dates.
We build powerful narratives to legitimize our fears. The stories are solidly made, convincing, but offer flimsy protection. Believing our fear-fueled stories can be a career derailer. You do have options.
1. Notice your fear. Which of these universal fears scares you the most?
Not belonging,
Loss of dignity, your
physical or psychological safety
Naming the fear allows us the distance and space to take the following steps.
2. What story are you constructing to support this fear? What is your automatic narrative?
3. Thoughtfully craft alternative stories
4. Choose the story that allows you to show up as the person you want to be.
I fear not belonging. Knowing that allows me to be prepared when I hear that I'm not playing with my friends.
The old fear of not belonging is coming to visit again.
I recognize the story I have been telling myself-no one wants me in their group.
I craft alternative stories: I wasn't invited this time. What may be going on? I was working, and they didn't bother to try me. They found a new fourth to play with. Or maybe, they want to practice for an upcoming match.
4. I chose an alternative, supportive narrative.
My friends didn't invite me because they knew that I was working.
This narrative makes me comfortable, and that allows me to invite my friends to play over the weekend.
Everyone shares one or more of these fears. Notice what comes up for you, and challenge the story you're telling yourself. It's likely to be wrong (at least in some respects). Then, craft an alternative narrative that allows you to respond instead of reacting to your fear.