To Me Or For Me—It's Up To You To Decide

I have a passion for tennis. I try to play at least three times a week, and my husband and I have kept this up, even during the pandemic. I enjoy the physical challenge, socializing (from a distance), and being outside after a day staring at my computer.

But all this playtime hasn't improved my game. I am a reliably mediocre player, with a 3.5 rating. (Strong players are rated at 4.0 and above.) I take lessons, I occasionally attend tennis clinics and sometimes even practice new skills. But while I really enjoy the game, I know I’m not much of a tennis player.

My husband and I are currently on an intra-club team. Since we are both 3.5 players, we signed up to play other 3.5 players. Our first match was two nights ago, and my heart sank when I saw our opponents, Kim and Sean (not their real names). Kim is a very strong 3.5, edging close to 4.0. Her husband, Sean is at least a 4.0. Both players are very, very competent, and I knew we simply weren’t good enough to win more than a game or two.

For the 90 minutes that we played, I spent all but five minutes focused on how unfair it was that Sean was playing in a 3.5 game when he was clearly a 4.0. I blamed the team captain for not recognizing the skill inequities and I blamed Sean for not bowing out of the match.

I was firmly in the "To Me" mental space, and chose to invest my energy in being a victim.

This matchup was wrong, I was wronged and it wasn’t fair.

The “To Me” mind space provides ego protection. And boy, was my ego being tested! I felt ashamed of my weak hits and that I wasn’t fast enough. I wasn’t hitting the ball hard enough—and don’t get me started on how badly my husband played. I was firmly in the “To Me” mindset and my ego was protected because after all, our loss wasn’t my fault. If the match had been "fair," I would have had a chance.

But for five minutes, I recognized that I was inhabiting a "To Me" mindset and shifted to "For Me". For those five minutes, I saw the gift Sean was offering. I could appreciate the grace of his play, how well he placed his shots and his ability to anticipate our returns. Sean played with thoughtfulness and good humor even though he was probably bored by the lack of competition.

A "For Me" thinker sees challenges as learning opportunities, gifts and chances to grow. The ego is suppressed because growing and learning is the goal. And for those five minutes, I really enjoyed the match. But this feeling was fleeting because I slid back to my usual mindset; "To Me".

With work and diligence, I hope to occupy the “For Me” space for more than five minutes, especially when facing challenges. 

If you want to learn more about these two states of Mind, watch Jim Dethmer's short video on the Four Ways of Leading in the World.

Changing your mindset is hard; coaching offers support, accountability, and new perspectives. You can schedule a session here, the first one is always complimentary.